Diagnosis: Gloom

Unsuccessful attempts to discover the cause of my malaise.

I have been in a gloom for two days, and have been struggling for a diagnosis.

I’m usually pretty good at diagnosing and treating my own bad moods. Typically there is an obvious hormonal cause, and the solution is ‘wait four days’, but not today.

Possible causes:

1. The weather

Certainly over the weekend I was perfectly contented simply sitting on the bench in my garden, wedged between pots of seedlings and as-yet-unplanted specimens, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin for the first time in months.

And, yes, I felt deep peace and joy watching the bees come and go, felt a pang of guilt as they passed disappointedly over anything double-flowered, and felt a surge of smugness when they burrowed between the petals of an Iris Reticulata ‘Harmony’ (watching them do this I also felt abashed - it really does look like the sex act it scientifically is).

There was also the sense of cells swelling and duplicating all around. The climbing roses sprouting strong, new growth every few inches along the horizontally trained stems, the magnolia buds puckering, the philadelphus and spirea starting to feather bright green along each spindly stem.

But now we are back inside, hiding from a biting wind, gazing up at the heavy, threatening sky and wondering whether there is time to dash out and run that errand between showers.

2. My inbox

I bet you never thought you’d hear a millennial complain that their email inbox is too quiet, but here it is: there is still no sign of a draft tenancy agreement for my hopefully new home in Gloucestershire.

The silence is deafening.

It is not the fault of the owners who are (I’m sure) moving at a perfectly reasonable pace (objectively). But oh god it is agony. Having been in the ‘research’ phase of this new adventure for about 6 months, having been disappointed twice, having then been inundated with offers, having seen a heavenly clean slate, and having said ‘thank you but I’ve found somewhere’ to about 50 people, I am now back to the uncertainty of silence. My excitement has turned to a sort of curdling GAH. Today I bought an ‘antique’ chaise lounge at auction for a room that I currently have no legal claim to.

My critical combination of clinically-diagnosed impatience and clinically-diagnosed impulsivity (aka “ADHD”) was always bound to spill over at some point, and that point was about 90 mins ago on The Saleroom. Self-policing the urge to furnish was bound to be a futile endeavour.

3. My diet

A couple of days after I told you about my burgeoning waist line, I decided to take positive action and radically changed my diet. No question I have lost weight, but is three weeks of slightly healthier eating adversely affecting my mood?

Yesterday, in what has become a familiar cry for help into the void of technology, I ordered Deliveroo to bring me a tub of ice cream which I then ate most of in the middle of the afternoon in the vain hope that it might put right whatever mood-destabilising vegetable I have eaten to upset my naturally sunny demeanour. But there was no change.

4. Mystery illness

I think perhaps my body is fighting off a mysterious virus that is making me feel drained of energy and therefore irrationally angry and sad.

I assume this has arisen because I have twice recently bragged to two different friends both of whom have young children that I have been in perfect health for a year. Not only tempting fate but practically bribing it. Not like ‘come hither, Fate’ more like ‘Fate, u up?’

But this is actually breaking news. I’ve always been sickly.

When I was at University, was underweight, was in my fifth-or-so year of crippling (in hindsight) insomnia, and was living in Edinburgh where in the middle of the winter term we would enjoy only about 20 minutes of sunlight per day all of which I missed because I was in bed, wearing a full, fleece onesie, with a hot water bottle zipped inside it, and with an electric blanket jacked up to max, making my way through that week’s reading list (I did the reading religiously, I was that type of nerd), I got ill all the time. Constantly. Likely there were only one or two weeks of my whole four year degree that I was in good health.

That trend continued until recently.

But now I garden, I have dogs, I hardly take the tube or buses (germ chambers), my stress is low, and I don’t have children. My health is rude. RUDE! I am robust as fuck.

But the last two days have been pure lethargy. A big, moping meh. The only actual physical symptom, though, is a nagging headache.

4. Depression

I know, you’re probably like, “DUH, obviously it’s that”. But in fact I discount this. I only feel worse if I miss a dose of medication (which I haven’t done since I realised I can write on the packet in a thin Sharpie ‘mon, tues, weds’ etc and skip the faffing step of decanting pills into those supposedly-dementia-proof-but-not-me-proof pill boxes) or if I’ve been sleeping badly (nope) or very stressed (also no. If I’m free to eat ice cream in the middle of the day it ain’t that). Besides which there is a particular worsening-depression feeling that I would recognise. This isn’t it.

5. The news

I mean, the news definitely doesn’t help me feel chipper, but the feelings arising from engagement in current affairs are more of a dull drum-beat of doom thing, rather than a sudden drop into mope mode thing.

6. The garden

While there are now things that look very much like tulips out there, and other things that are threatening very definitely to be daffodils, there still are not flowers in my garden. Ok, yes, the muscari are wonderful and the hyacinths are finally blooming (albeit slowly) but the bank by the bus stop is covered in sunny yellow daffs and I still have not got one. It is almost unbearable.

Futile attempts to treat

1. If in doubt, wash your hair? I washed it yesterday and today.

2. Nutella ice cream

3. Dive into ‘The New Romantic Garden’ by Jo Thompson (finally managed to obtain a copy, but had to go to Jo’s fabulous launch event at the Garden Museum in order to get one AND she signed it AND she gave me a hug! It definitely helped)

4. Walks (several)

5. Tidy up (major)

6. Sorting out (epic)

7. Moisturise (gratuitously)

8. Cook a favourite meal (for this batch I swapped out tikka paste for Gymkhana ‘Classic Tandoori’ marinade. Incredible. I don’t bother to make raita, I have a dollop of coconut yoghurt instead. Absolutely essential to have a Crosta & Mollica Amiliana Piadina flatbread warmed in the oven for 3 mins on the side. With eternal thanks to my friend Emily for sharing this recipe. I absolutely cannot get enough.)

9. Watch ‘Superstore’

10. Silly play with the dogs

11. Talk to people / friends

12. Order summer bulbs (including the perfectly named ‘Oy Vey’)

13. Order more seeds (I didn’t realise I had used up my supply of Antirrhinum last year so re-ordered ‘Madame Butterfly Bronze with White’ and ‘Chantilly Bronze’ but also added ‘Potomac Orange’)

14. Rummage in my favourite local rummage shop

15. Plant things (I’ve planted a few bits in the shady border - the brunnera, and some erigeron)

16. Steal more branches of blossom for home decor (see above photo)

As I write this list I realise that I may feel better if I write a list. I used to be a religious list-maker, but this habit has fallen by the wayside somewhat. I will also take two Nurofen. I also feel like I’ve ripped off

India Knight

’s signature format - if you haven’t read her recent post ‘Too old’ for goodness sake, do.

Needless to say I am open to any/all suggestions both for possible cause and cures. Do I need to get laid? Am I not drinking enough water? (definitely not, but that has consistently been the case for 36 years). What do you think? Is it just… March?