I am so sorry for your 10 year old self. These anniversary dates can have a powerful positive or negative energy throughout our lives. My mother also died of cancer, ovarian cancer, when she was 63 and I was in my early 30s. My first child was 15 months old. It was also undiagnosed, almost symptom-less, and she hadn't wanted to bother the doctor with her one slight, very occasional symptom. She died 3 weeks after she was diagnosed, untreatable. It was also early May, all the life of the world awakening again and the day the swallows returned. My father never recovered, living another 26 years in a state of profound depression, which reached its depths each year as the anniversary of my mother's death approached. As an only child it was my task to get him through every day, from a distance, and in particular that time of year. So anniversary marking held only negative energy for me. But when my father died I chose not to remember the day of his death, but of his birth, when we would always go to cut down the Christmas tree (this being the north of Scotland, any handy forestry plantation furnished the (free) goods).
You have discovered a wonderful positive energy in the anniversary of your mother's death and one which obviously goes far beyond marking a specific day into changing your life. You've also helped me by your writing in that it came to me while reading your post that what I need to do, after so many years of the negative energy, is to celebrate my mum instead on the day the swallows return each year. There is always rebirth in the natural year.
This is beautiful. And hard—my boys lost their father young. Memory and ghosts and what triggers them are fascinating. Years ago, before the EU, I was pulled off a train and questioned from a sound sleep in Czech and answered (briefly) in Czech, a language I hadn’t spoken since I was 4 or 5. And when I couldn’t repeat that feat while awake the border guards became very suspicious. I find my ghost/memories visit most often when I’m cooking —something about the physical movement of stretching strudel. My mother says I can’t possible remember, that I was too young, but my body remembers. It happens in the garden too (especially with tomatoes) but not as much.
Catching up on a significant hiatus of Substack due to extreme busy-ness! But wanted to say how much I was moved by this post and how glad I am that making a garden has brought you closer to your mum. You write so beautifully and honestly.
Beautiful. Beautiful. I’m so sorry as well. My dad’s death day is still very weird to navigate. It’s the day after my daughter’s birthday and there are always too too many feelings. With dad, it was music and I have that feeling when I see live music. Which I haven’t felt ready to a lot yet. Love your writing and I’m so glad you’ve found your way back to the garden x
I am so sorry for your 10 year old self. These anniversary dates can have a powerful positive or negative energy throughout our lives. My mother also died of cancer, ovarian cancer, when she was 63 and I was in my early 30s. My first child was 15 months old. It was also undiagnosed, almost symptom-less, and she hadn't wanted to bother the doctor with her one slight, very occasional symptom. She died 3 weeks after she was diagnosed, untreatable. It was also early May, all the life of the world awakening again and the day the swallows returned. My father never recovered, living another 26 years in a state of profound depression, which reached its depths each year as the anniversary of my mother's death approached. As an only child it was my task to get him through every day, from a distance, and in particular that time of year. So anniversary marking held only negative energy for me. But when my father died I chose not to remember the day of his death, but of his birth, when we would always go to cut down the Christmas tree (this being the north of Scotland, any handy forestry plantation furnished the (free) goods).
You have discovered a wonderful positive energy in the anniversary of your mother's death and one which obviously goes far beyond marking a specific day into changing your life. You've also helped me by your writing in that it came to me while reading your post that what I need to do, after so many years of the negative energy, is to celebrate my mum instead on the day the swallows return each year. There is always rebirth in the natural year.
This is beautiful. And hard—my boys lost their father young. Memory and ghosts and what triggers them are fascinating. Years ago, before the EU, I was pulled off a train and questioned from a sound sleep in Czech and answered (briefly) in Czech, a language I hadn’t spoken since I was 4 or 5. And when I couldn’t repeat that feat while awake the border guards became very suspicious. I find my ghost/memories visit most often when I’m cooking —something about the physical movement of stretching strudel. My mother says I can’t possible remember, that I was too young, but my body remembers. It happens in the garden too (especially with tomatoes) but not as much.
This is so moving Lucy. A celebration with friends & tulips & roses to mark the day sounds exactly right xx
What an extremely moving post. Thank you. X
Thank you, Anne.
A beautiful tribute to your Mum, and how lovely to stay connected with her through your gardening. 🌻🪻🌸🕊️
❤️
Loved you then, love you still, always have, always will. ⛵️
Wouldn’t have made it here without you x ⛵️
Catching up on a significant hiatus of Substack due to extreme busy-ness! But wanted to say how much I was moved by this post and how glad I am that making a garden has brought you closer to your mum. You write so beautifully and honestly.
Thank you so very much, Clare, that really means a lot coming from you x
Beautiful account of your mother. I'm glad you found her - and yourself - in the garden. A garden celebration will be perfect, in any weather.
Beautiful. Beautiful. I’m so sorry as well. My dad’s death day is still very weird to navigate. It’s the day after my daughter’s birthday and there are always too too many feelings. With dad, it was music and I have that feeling when I see live music. Which I haven’t felt ready to a lot yet. Love your writing and I’m so glad you’ve found your way back to the garden x
she would love your garden, filled with flowers xx
Thank you, darling Mel. You were obviously not the godmother I was referring to...
Well you did have me worried for a moment…x
Lovely writing 🤍🤍
That is definitely a date to honour. With gratitude.
So moving and beautiful. I loved seeing the photos too ❤️
💚
Your writing reminds one of Anne Lamott.
DUN = deeply unreliable narrator
Dun-dun-dun.
If you choose to share, what is the name May 3 garden/nursery you stopped by…
Yes of course! It is called Neal’s Nurseries and it has a charming position immediately opposite Wandsworth Prison… I’m there basically once a week.
What an incredible compliment, I LOVE Anne Lamott! Thank you, Mary. x