David

1 year on

My subconscious remembered you today before I did. You were in my dream last night.

And then through the fog of waking a thought arose in my mind that your anniversary is any day now. So, half-asleep, I checked my phone.

I was sitting in my car on the north-west side of Royal Avenue. Parked facing south, away from the busy road. It’s a good parking space - right between the McDonalds and the Itsu. I had been to run an errand on the Kings Road. I had just wrangled the dogs back into the car. And then I got Dan’s text.

David?

My David?

My David. In April you had said once, I’m your David beyond anything else x.

My David.

How different this year would have been with you in it. Would I have started writing? I don’t know. Certainly not in the same way. Would you have ended up moving in? You would have had to move - the friend you were subletting from was expelled from Russian and have to move home.

I didn’t really believe it. I googled you. And sure enough, you were a headline. You. Your death.

The car couldn’t contain my sudden agony. I got out again and walked the dogs like a zombie back up towards Sloane Square.

I checked the podcast feed and sure enough, an outlier, titled ‘9th September 2024’. I put my AirPods in and listened. I listened and walked. And listened and walked. Still not believing it. But there was no question.

I don’t remember how long I walked around. I must had been very obviously crying walking the busy streets but I felt invisible. The dogs were confused.

The most painful and most unbearable thought - a feeling I can’t reach now - was that you must have been so scared. I didn’t know the details then, and I only know some of the details now. You were with a friend and collapsed. But my brain can’t access that anymore - doing it’s usual, efficient job of disassociating from my most dangerous thoughts. Protecting me from pain. I literally can’t think about it.

I must have listened to that podcast episode seven or eight times before I started to walk back to the car. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the first seconds, hearing Dom’s voice break, I can hear them clear as day in my mind.

My David.

My David.